I can't take it any more.
It seems as though my alternative relationship has run its course, and now mainstream forces like jealousy, envy, and communication issues have finally done us in. Our entire relationship has culminated in a 'final showdown' in public, and it will be difficult for me to even show my face in public ever again. We have always had digital privacy issues, and it finally turned into a full-scale fight when I changed my email password, then tweeted at this cute looking girl with the hashtag #hornie4u, even though it was just an inside joke.
I guess when you are in a relationship, you are only allowed to have inside hashtag jokes with one person, or maybe a few select bros. But maybe I wanted this to happen. It hasn't been working for a long time. It was only a matter of time before my alternative relationship imploded and/or exploded.
Maybe it's not supposed to work out between an altbro and an entry-level alt. Maybe a bro and a baguette just can't make it work. I remember how fun things used to be in the beginning. We'd go to shows, dive bars, and crash VIP areas together, thinking that we were taking on the world. We used to GO OUT, we were the fun couple that every one wanted to party with. When I got into this relationship, I knew that she was a passionate hot-head, but I liked that about her. It really backfired.
Now, we don't do anything. We don't even have the heart to say to eachother that our scene is dead, and most of our clothes are dated and/or really cheese. These days, we'll just stay in and watch Netflix Instant Streaming, hiding from the world. We used to think the world was ours, but now, we're afraid to face the world. We're afraid to look at each other in the eyes and see the faces of formerly relevant human beings who never did anything other than 'be alt.'
We had been so convinced that the things we shared on the internet made us who we were, but now it feels like all those memes, think pieces, and indie news were all just a lie. It honestly feels as if our relationship was created on a foundation of consumer-curated cultural identity that never even existed.
We're just 20somethings, searching 4 our free-spirited, creative, alternative career. That can put a lot of stress on a relationship. I want to be supportive, but what if being supportive means giving my partner somewhat deflating, mainstream advice, encouraging them to 'conform' to society in order to buy nice things.
This pain, frustration, and anger that I feel comes from losing some one who I used to genuinely care about: myself. You used to make me feel like myself, but now, I have nothing. I am nothing. Our shared reality has come to a close, and I feel resentful, but excited to create a new 'me' without your worldview or insecurities.
Please stop yelling. It doesn't have to be this way. I swear, what I said to her meant nothing. And that I will always love you. But this just isn't working out.
Why are we so angry?
Why does it feel like the world is ending?
Why do I care so much abt this person?
Should I just go to technical school?
Do I just want to cum inside of people?
Does it always end this way?
Would we be able to make it if we were just mainstreamers?
This is the end of my Meaningful Alternative Relationship.
We could've had it all.
